


where angels sing and spread their wings

by Mia_Zeklos



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Canon, please mind the warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 04:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9106618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mia_Zeklos/pseuds/Mia_Zeklos
Summary: “It was discovered that if the bond was too close, if it tipped into romantic love—then it would begin to warp and change the kind of power that was generated by the spell. Their power would grow. The runes they created would be unlike any others. They would begin to wield magic as warlocks do. But Nephilim are not meant to be magicians. Eventually the power would make them mad, until they became as monsters. They would destroy their families, the others they loved. Death would surround them until eventually they died themselves."-Lady Midnight





	1. Alec

**Author's Note:**

> As already mentioned, please, please read the warnings. Most of them apply for the second chapter, but I want to be sure that everyone knows what they're getting into. That being said, feel free to let me know what you think of this.

**I.**

Their first warning should have been the tracking.

The mission had been a routine one; at least until the Shadowhunter they'd been trying to track down had disappeared on a ship somewhere in East River. No one had been able to find him after that and the Clave was desperate enough to try just about anything.

No one's tracking had worked so far. Alec and Jace had tried, Magnus had tried, at least two other parabatai pairs from the New York Institute had tried their hand at it and it had been futile. That hadn't stopped anyone, of course - the man was one of the many leftovers from Valentine's newly ascended Shadowhunters and chasing them down was the Clave's priority, so more and more attempts had been made and finally, something cracked.

Alec flinched away from Jace as the image flashed in front of him, fading away as soon as their hands separated. It was gone, but it didn't matter; he recognised the place.

"What?" Isabelle - who hadn't looked away from the city camera monitors for a good while - swirled around to look at them. "Did he show up?"

"Yes." Jace sounded about as confused as Alec felt, but he'd pulled himself together sooner. "He's still on a ship, but he's not too far." He gave her the address and Isabelle wrote it down, too busy with her investigation to note the obvious. Alec wasn't as lucky; he chanced a look in Jace's direction and his parabatai shrugged in return. There was no explanation. It hadn't worked before and technically, it shouldn't have worked now, but he wasn't about to complain. After the war had ended, their little group had earned themselves the respect that people usually gave to war heroes - that was what they were, after all - but the additional helpful deed was never unwelcome for someone trying to re-establish himself as Head of the Institute. Alec knew that he still had a long way to go, but he wasn't about to let that stop him.

"I'll go tell Lydia the news," Isabelle said, jumping out of her station and leaving the control room before Alec had had the chance to say anything else. Not that she needed his permission; she ran things here about as much as he did, even if she did so unofficially.

He still couldn't quite believe that he'd restored his position, even if he shared it with Lydia now. It was more or less the ideal situation - they both got the Institute they'd wanted to have control of without getting married and they'd had few disagreements along the way. Things were running as smoothly as they possibly could given the circumstances and New York had slowly started to shake off the remnants of the Mortal War off of itself and cases such as this one were the only remaining ghosts they had to take care of.

Of course, a lot had changed. Alec was reminded of one of the most obvious changes - the one he could never quite stop thinking about - when Jace turned to him.

"What was that?"

"I don't know." Alec still felt the static on his fingers; a side effect of tracking that he hadn't experienced before. It filled him with unease and Alec did his best to push it away. They'd got the job done. That was all that mattered. "Maybe we've just got stronger."

It was a feeble explanation and Jace's expression said as much. "It felt like-"

"Magic," Alec finished for him. "I know."

Parabatai tracking didn't work quite like the one done by Warlocks. It was angelic power fuelled by their bond instead of demon heritage and on a normal day, it felt nothing like magic. But he'd seen it too; the small, hesitant bright blue spark that had hovered over their joined hands just as the tracking had finally worked.

The parabatai bond and its inner workings had been explained to both of them in detail before they'd stepped into the ritual, but a lot had been left out. There were rules that had to be followed; laws that they had to take heed of and no one had bothered to explain what would happen if they didn't. There were just whispers; half-forgotten legends of the parabatai who'd had their runes taken away from them for their sins, but not one of them mentioned why. When Alec had brought it up, Jace had waved his concern off.

"The Clave needs to stay in control," he'd said, relaxed and carefree as he'd run his fingers through Alec's hair. "Everyone knows how strong parabatai bonds are; what happens if they get even stronger?"

"That's exactly what I asked." Alec had snapped. It was unfathomable to him how his parabatai could take everything in stride so easily, but he was just a bit jealous of that ability. "What if there are side effects; what if-"

"Like what? The two of us becoming even better in battle? I don't know about you, but I don't see anything bad about that." Jace had laughed and, when Alec hadn't followed his example, his expression had darkened. "If you're really that worried, we can call this off. I understand; I wouldn't want my runes removed either and if you think we could get caught-"

Alec had kissed him then, the thought of separating himself from Jace voluntarily ridiculous enough to put an end to any fear that he might have had.

Looking back, Alec was never sure how they'd ended up like this. The war had been long and messy and devastating and no one had came out of it the same but - despite having a very clear memory of their first kiss; the first time Jace had slept in his bed once they'd came home; the first time Alec had realised that whatever they had was bound to last - he still couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that their weakened bond followed by forced separation had somehow ended up with this; with Jace in his arms the first time they'd been allowed to talk to each other after he'd been brought back to the Institute. There had been so much desperation and so much relief in his eyes (and love, Alec had realised, even if it had taken him a while to recognise it) that even remembering it hurt.

But that was all it was now - phantom pain from a suffering that had passed. Jace was here now and, what was even more important, he was safe. From Valentine, from the Clave, from anyone that might have tried to hurt him. It made Alec's worries even more prominent - even if his relationship with Jace was the best thing that had happened to him after the war (or at all, if he was honest with himself), he knew that he would give it up in a heartbeat if it meant not risking any damage on their bond.

Still, he allowed himself to be pulled away from his thoughts as soon as Jace reached nudged his shoulder.

"If you stay here a bit longer, you'll be late to your report for the Inquisitor and I don't think you want to miss out on getting all the credit again."

"Look who's talking." Alec returned Jace's teasing. He'd seen through his attempt at distracting him and he was letting it work, too happy to dwell on the what-ifs. "Come on; you have to come too. You're not getting out of the meeting so easily."

 **II**.

Alec was in the middle of a battle when he felt it for the first time.

 He was used to feeling Jace’s presence, especially when they were fighting. It wasn’t something he could explain to anyone else; it was like Jace’s own movements were somehow echoed in his own and it was always reassuring to know that he was there. But that was all it was; a subtle confirmation that he was okay.

“Duck!”

Alec obeyed, mostly out of instinct, and heard the quiet hiss of demon blood over Jace’s seraph blade. He turned around, stabbing the next one coming their way in a movement so familiar that he could afford letting his thoughts stray.

Jace’s voice hadn’t sounded like it usually did. Or rather, it hadn’t sounded _at all_.

 _This is new._ The thought was intrusive and very clearly not his and Alec focused on killing the last remaining demon before he let himself listen again. _Can you hear me?_

 _Yes_.

_Alec?_

**_Yes._** Alec tried to mimic whatever it was that Jace had done and imagined pushing the word in his direction. It worked; he could hear a much more physical gasp from Jace.

“How does this work?” Jace cleared his throat as he cleaned his blade. “No one’s told us about _that_.”

“That’s because it’s not supposed to happen.” Silence stretched on both levels of the conversation and Alec looked up from his own weapon. “You know it isn’t.”

“I don’t know anything,” Jace persisted. “And neither do you. Maybe we’re just- unique. My blood-”

“If your blood had anything to do with this, it would have started when we swore the oath.” When Alec had first heard about Jace’s additional angel blood, he’d spent some time thinking about that – of what could have possibly happened with their bond – but he hadn’t come up with anything out of the ordinary. It wasn’t like he could be sure, though; Jace was right – they’d only been given the basics and no parabatai bond was the same. Everyone said that.

And yet, telepathy was just a bit out of the ordinary.

“Alec, look at me.” Alec had been lost enough in his thoughts to not notice that Jace had backed him into the nearest wall. They were in a dark alley and it looked like it was about to rain soon, but he obliged nevertheless. Jace was looking up at him with enough intensity to make him forget about anything else. “We’ll be _fine_. Even if there really are side effects to this, it’s only making things better for us, right? And even if they didn’t, I wouldn’t let that stop me.” His hands were splayed over Alec’s chest, smoothing down his jacket. “I love you.”

“Me too.” It felt as if he’d lost a battle; one with himself, Alec thought bitterly.

Jace's fingers curled into his jacket and he pressed himself closer for a kiss. Alec leant forward, letting him in as the fight went out of him. Not that he'd fought very hard; every moment apart from Jace seemed to get more and more unbearable with every passing day and Alec felt the sentiment returned through their bond as Jace bit down on his lower lip hard enough to break the skin. Alec's arms curled around his waist and he pressed his parabatai against his body, eager to feel his warmth; to be allowed to taste more.

 _We're together, aren't we?_ The thought didn't feel quite so foreign this time around. _Whatever happens, we can deal with it._

 _Of course_. It was easy, so easy to talk to him like this, without uncomfortable silences and unsaid doubts. _Together._

**o.O.o**

They got used to it after that. Distances didn't seem to matter and talking without actually talking was more convenient than Alec had expected, so they kept it up. It didn't extent to anyone else, but that didn't stop Jace from applying the newly discovered ability to its limits until Alec could feel the connection between their minds as physically as the one between their souls. It was fascinating enough for Alec not to notice when it had started becoming obvious to everyone else. Isabelle was the one to bring his attention to it - not because she'd been the first to notice, she suspected, but because she was the only one who always told him everything to his face.

"Have you and Jace been fighting again?" she asked him in the training hall one day. There was no one else but them, but she kept her voice low anyway. "Because if you have, you might want to sort it out and tone down the soulful gazing over the conference table. It's starting to get a bit obvious."

Panic clutched at Alec's lungs, robbing him of his breath before he could answer. All he managed was a snort that was meant to sound amused but instead came out a bit as if he was suffocating. "It's nothing. It's just something we're trying to figure out." A beat. "Is it really that obvious?"

"Not really," Isabelle shrugged, taking off her gloves to sit down on the nearest bench. "Clary noticed, but she notices everything. She asked me if it's just another Parabatai thing. Had to tell her that it isn't, but I felt like she knows something I don't, so I pushed a bit and she told me something that Jace's told _her_ and that, for some reason, you haven't told me."

The panic was swiftly replaced by guilt and Alec sat down next to his sister with a deep sigh. "I trust you, Iz," he started. It was true, and the easiest way to get on Isabelle's good side after hiding something from her was to tell her the truth. "But telling one more person felt- It felt like too much. And I was right. If Clary told you-"

"Come on, it's _Clary_ ," Isabelle interrupted him. "And it's not like she's spreading the news around the Institute. And she only told me because I was the one asking."

That would have made enough sense all on its own, but it made Alec falter. "You've been getting close, haven't you?"

"We've been close ever since she arrived." It wasn't like Isabelle to evade anyone's questions, especially his - in fact, Alec was sure that over the years she'd shared with him more than he'd strictly wanted to know - and it made him suspicious now.

"Closer than that," he persisted. "If you want her to be your parabatai, you should hurry up."

"I would have asked her already if that's what I wanted," Isabelle pointed out. "I don't want to wait until the last possible moment. But no. That's not what it is."

"It's not?" It took Alec a moment longer to let the thought sink in and then he smiled. "When did _that_ happen?"

She raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised by the unusual interest. "Suddenly you want me to talk about my love life?"

Alec nodded. The idea of his sister and Clary wasn't as surprising as he'd expected it to be and it made him realise how absorbed he'd been with the twists in his own life in the last few months - the Institute suddenly back in his hands, Jace, the changes in their parabatai bond; all of the things that had made him forget to pay attention to anything else. He didn't want to let it happen again. The Angel only knew how long they had left; he had to make every moment count. The war had made that more than clear and Alec was sure that he wouldn't forget it any time soon. "Tell me all about it."

 **III**.

The knowledge that their little group of friends were all aware of his and Jace's relationship was more comforting than Alec had expected it to be. Both Clary and Isabelle knew, and he'd told Magnus about it since day one. Or, rather, Magnus had figured it out on his own. He knew Alec well enough to be able to tell - they'd got closer during the war and had remained so afterwards, even if their attempt at a relationship hadn't survived the stress of it. Alec hadn't wanted to lose him and, to his surprise, Magnus had felt the same way. It drew him closer to the Institute and even his mother had started warming up to the Warlock. Alec suspected that it was mainly because he'd made it clear that they were just friends and cringed at the thought. _If only she knew how much worse it is now_.

But she didn't, and neither did his father. Lydia didn't, either; Alec trusted her as co-Head of the Institute, but he'd never trust her with something like this. He didn't feel too bad about it; he tried to stay out of her private life as much as possible and preferred if she did the same, no matter how much he liked her.

It lulled him into a false sense of security, as having control over things usually did. Alec always tried to make sure that everything in his life was in order, and it was now; just enough for him to become _too_ sure that nothing could possibly go wrong.

"Jonathan knows."

The words came out in a hushed whisper as soon as Jace closed the door of Alec's office behind his back, but Alec didn't look up from his report. He'd been writing it for an hour already and was determined to finish it before dealing with anything else, no matter how urgent. "Jonathan who knows what?"

"Carstairs." The name was common enough for Shadowhunters for Alec to have to think for a moment before remembering the man in question. "He _knows_."

Suddenly, the report wasn't all that interesting. "How?"

"I don't know." Jace sank in the chair on the other side of the desk, face buried in his hands. "But I'm sure. The way he was looking at me during training... maybe he heard us talking, or saw me coming into your room, or maybe- I don't know, but I don't know what to do, Alec, it's-"

"Hey." Alec stood up from his place, rounding the desk to spin Jace's chair around and pry his hands away from his face. "It's going to be fine. I can fix this." Jace's eyes were wide and he looked more panicked than Alec had ever seen him. It mirrored the storm raging in Alec's mind at the mere _thought_ of the consequences of being discovered, but he tried not to let it show. "Maybe we can be more careful, but I can handle it this time."

Lying to one's parabatai wasn't a good idea even under usual circumstances and with a bond as intense as theirs had become, it was completely pointless. Jace knew that there were very few things he could do to make things right, but he was trying to believe him regardless and the amount of trust that required felt like a shot to the heart. _I won't let you down. I promise, Jace._

"I'll figure something out," he added out loud for good measure and started thinking.

**o.O.o**

As if the current issue wasn't enough for Alec to lose sleep over, the parabatai bond kept changing in ways they could never see coming; magic showing up in spikes they couldn't predict. It was what led him to Magnus's flat one night in the midst of winter, freezing and desperate for answers he wasn't sure he was going to get.

"Alexander!" The front door opened and Magnus appeared behind it, only to freeze a moment later. "What's wrong?"

"Why would anything be wrong?"

"You just look- different."

Alec hadn't seen the Warlock in a while and supposed that it was natural for him to see a change that the rest of the habitants of the Institute didn't - after all, they saw him every day. Still, the comment made him a little defensive for reasons Alec preferred not to dwell into. "Different how?"

"Tired." Magnus had never been one to hold back when he had something to say and Alec liked seeing him being true to himself, even if it was on his expense. "Would you like something to drink?"

It wasn't a very good idea, Alec supposed, but, "Yes. Thank you."

He hadn't come for small talk and he was sure that Magnus could tell that much, but neither of them spoke as he watched the Warlock make their cocktails. Alec let himself space out for a moment. He hadn't realised how refreshing it was to not be surrounded by the Institute with its countless cameras and glass walls; how good it felt to not be constantly watched. _Or constantly afraid_ , his mind supplied, but Alec pushed the thought down.

"You didn't call." Magnus was the first one to speak, voice so careful that Alec had to ask himself if he really looked as wrecked as he felt. "Did something unexpected happen? Not that I mind the company," he added. "But I have a client in half an hour and Shadowhunters tend to make Vampires nervous."

"I can go if you want me to," Alec suggested. All of a sudden he wasn't sure he wanted an answer to _any_ of his questions, let alone the most pressing one. Magnus just shook his head and handed him the glass. Alec downed half of it in one gulp, wincing at the trail of fire that the alcohol burned down his throat, but grateful for the effect it had nevertheless. He'd needed something to shock him into speaking and if that was it, then so be it.

"What do you know about parabatai magic?"

"As much as you do, I suppose," Magnus said after a moment of silence. "It's relatively limited. It's mostly used for tracking, isn't it?"

"It is, but-" Alec's voice faltered. "It's been different recently. I've heard that a High Warlock can recognise the magic in someone else when he sees it, and I was wondering, can you feel it? Now?"

"From you? No." Magnus's voice suggested that the idea was ridiculous, but Alec could see the confusion he was trying to cover up. "Even if you did have magic, it would be quite different from a Warlock's. But I can still check if you want."

"I'd like that." Alec stood up, linking his hands with Magnus's the way he had when he'd first given him his strength. The feeling was different now; instead of letting his own power mix with the magic, Alec could feel it slipping into the essence of his being, looking for something he'd desperately been trying to hide for weeks now.

"There _is_ something," Magnus said, his eyes still closed. "I'm not sure I'd call it magic, but it's there. And it probably shouldn't be. Do you feel anything out of order?"

 _I think it's burning me up inside,_ Alec wanted to tell him, _and I don't know how to stop it._ But he didn't have the strength to say the words out loud. He didn't even have the strength to think them loud enough for Jace to hear, so he just nodded.

"No," he shook his head, avoiding the Warlock's questioning gaze. "Nothing."

**o.O.o**

Alec's mind was so occupied with Jonathan Carstairs and trying to confirm Jace's theory over the next week that he barely noticed when things started slipping out of control. He could feel the changes - they were faster in battle, and more efficient, but there was a feverish edge to it, as if both he and Jace were standing on a precipice ready to fall off at any second. It had put a strain on their bond that hadn't appeared since Valentine's meddling with it and sometimes Alec was sure that that was the only thing that kept them above water. The memory of all the times they'd almost lost one another only made things more intense and Alec wasn't sure how long they were going to be able to take it.

The first actual display of magic had happened one night when they'd been together. Alec had been the one to sneak into Jace's room for a change and he would have been too busy kissing down his parabatai's neck to notice that something had changed if it hadn't been for Jace's gasp, sharp and shocked.

"What is it?" he asked immediately, looking up only to see Jace looking down at his hand where it was gripping his shoulder. "Did I hurt you?"

"No." Jace cleared his throat and sat up. "No, it's fine. I just- I thought I felt-"

Alec surveyed him carefully, frowning at the red fingerprints over Jace's skin where he'd held him just a moment ago. No matter how he looked at it, they looked like burn marks and the thought made him draw away. Jace didn't let him get very far; instead, he reached out and took Alec's hand in his.

"Alec, look. _Look_."

Alec stared down at his palm, fascinated by the way blue flashes ran through his fingers. _Magic_. There was no other word for it; not one that he could think of, anyway.

"That's not possible," he said, but he couldn't look away. He could feel the magic, running like liquid lightning through his veins and he willed it to stop. It did - or at least it wasn't visible anymore - but that wasn't enough to lessen the shock of it. "I asked Magnus; he said that it couldn't be like this."

"You've talked to _Magnus_ about this?" Jace had tensed, suddenly; Alec could feel it in every muscle in his body. "If you were worried, you could have told me."

"And you would have done what exactly?" Maybe it was Jace's mood affecting him, but Alec felt himself getting agitated as well. "Neither of us knows that much about magic, because it shouldn't be happening. I thought you trusted me to make things right."

"I trust you," Jace insisted. Almost out of habit, Alec reached through their bond and realised that he was being honest. "I'm not sure I trust your judgement."

"When do you _ever_ trust my judgement?" The words stung enough for Alec to feel it on his end too, but he couldn't stop. He could tell that they were just feeding each other's anger, but the tension that had been piling up in his body was enough for him to feel himself snapping.

"You really want to start this now?" Jace replied, standing up from the bed to point an accusing finger in Alec's direction. "After everything we've gone through, Alec, don't you think-"

The rest of the sentence was lost as Jace doubled over and clutched at his side.

"Jace?" Argument already forgotten, Alec rushed to him, trying to steady him before he fell. "Jace!"

"It's nothing," Jace mumbled, but didn't look up. Alec followed his eyes to their rune, burning bright red and he lifted his shirt to see that his own rune was in similar condition.

"It's not nothing." Alec's voice sounded flat to his own ears, but he didn't make the effort of masking how shaken he felt. "It's late. I should go."

"Alec-"

"We'll talk tomorrow," he added, slipping out of Jace's room and into his own as soon as he made sure that the corridor was deserted.

Whatever had happened had felt like a warning. Even if he tried to deny it, Alec knew that they'd been seconds away from physical violence and their bond had felt it too, as if it had gained sentience somewhere in the last five minutes.

It was just the stress, he told himself. They were both on edge; that was all. And it wouldn't last long. It didn't matter how; he'd end it tomorrow.

**o.O.o**

One of the upsides of regaining his position was the fact that Alec was allowed to pick his own missions. Usually that meant teaming himself up with either Jace or Isabelle and Clary - or all of them at once - but he'd made an exception today. He and Jonathan were on their own. The threat wasn't big enough to require more than two of them and plus, he hadn't wanted Jace to be here for this.

They'd just found the demon's nest in an abandoned warehouse and Alec tried to stay in the shadows as they looked for the demon itself. There were many things he could have done before they'd even arrived here. Contrary to popular belief, Alec could be subtle when he wanted to be. He could have talked to Jonathan and convinced him that he had misunderstood whatever it was that he'd seen. He could have asked Magnus for a memory spell; he'd visited him the other day anyway. He could have made himself seem sympathetic enough for Jonathan and hope that even if he'd wanted to report his suspicions, he'd change his mind. He could have done just about anything, even if the feeling of unease would have remained. None of his solutions felt sure enough and Alec had thought about it enough to know that none of them would put his worries to rest, so he'd barely said a word on their way here. Instead, he kept his bow at the ready as he saw the demon approaching behind Jonathan's back and he lingered for a moment, releasing the arrow just a second after it was too late.


	2. Jace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it. This chapter drained me completely so I'm sorry if it borders on too emotional on the author's side, but I tried my best. Feedback is welcome.

**I.**

Jace was standing close enough to the funeral pyre for the heat to be nearly unbearable, but he didn’t move. They’d already stayed in Idris longer than he’d expected. Waiting for Jonathan's extended family to gather had taken a while and the funeral itself was a long, complicated affair. It didn't make sense - there hadn't been very much to burn in the first place.

Jace chanced a look in Alec's direction from where he was standing next to him. He'd given a speech both as Head of the Institute and as Jonathan's last hunting partner and hadn't said a word afterwards - which wasn't that unusual on its own; as far as Alec's speeches went, this one had looked draining - but his face looked considerably paler than before. Isabelle had been giving him 'get him out of here' sings behind her brother's back for quite some time now and Jace decided that they'd been there long enough for leaving to be appropriate.

"He was my age," Alec spoke as soon as Jace had pulled him away from the crowd. No one had paid them any mind; they all knew that Alec had seen it happen and seeing his parabatai offer him consolation was the most natural thing in the world. "That over there's his wife." He nodded in the direction of a woman standing closer to the pyre than anyone else. "Rowena Whitelaw. She's pregnant."

Jace shifted in his place, unsure what to say. "That's-"

"I killed him."

Jace's voice died. Out of all the things he'd thought he would hear, this one hadn't even made it on the list. "Alec-"

"I did," he insisted and Jace took a look around them, making sure that they weren't in the centre of attention before leading his parabatai even further away and near the closest house that could shelter them from view.

"Alec, I saw the body. We all did. A Ravener killed him. _You_ said so."

"It doesn't matter." _Don't you understand? It's my fault. I **let** it kill him._

The image was suddenly pushed into Jace's mind; the fight seen from Alec's perspective. The attack had been swift and sudden and surprising. Or at least, it had been for Jonathan. Jace watched it through Alec's unblinking eyes as he raised his bow and kept his arrow at the ready, not shooting until he was sure that the damage was done.

"Everyone makes mistakes." Except this wasn't a mistake, it was _deliberate_ , and the more Jace thought about it, the more it made sense. He didn't want it to, but that didn't change anything. _It's better this way. We're safe now._ "We all know the risk we're taking when we go on missions."

Alec laughed mirthlessly and Jace pushed gently against their bond, trying to feel what was on the other end. It made his blood run cold; the chaos he was met with there too great for him to comprehend at first. Alec's mind was bursting at the seams with too many things for Jace to even begin to untangle here in broad daylight and his heart clenched. _Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped._

Alec didn't respond, choosing instead to squeeze Jace's hand in quiet reassurance where their fingers were tangled together. It was enough of a response for now and when Jace brought him deeper into the shadows to kiss him, he was still surrounded by the smell of fire and ashes.

**II.**

Despite all of the encouraging Jace did for Alec to share his troubles, he didn't follow his own advice too well. Once they'd gone back to New York, things had gone back to normal. They had lost hundreds during the war and one lost Shadowhunter in times of peace wasn't that much at all, but the thought kept haunting him in the most inconvenient times regardless of how much he tried to get rid of it. He could feel Alec's guilt through their bond, but he couldn't find as much as a trace of regret; he'd done what he'd considered his only option and Jace didn't even blame him for it. Alec had always been efficient like that - he located the problem and struck in the heart of it in the most efficient way possible - and Jace hadn't expected him to go that far, but he _had_ expected to feel the weight of it to some extent. He didn't; instead busying himself with their newfound magic and what they could do to hide it.

The symptoms, as his parabatai called them, had shown a day or two after Alec's, although Jace's were more prominent. His runes held more power than they had before even on other Shadowhunters and they did miracles when applied on Alec; stitching up wounds in seconds and glowing much darker than the ones he was used to. It was all rather obvious and Jace tried to make himself scarce when it came to missions, choosing to stick with the people who were familiar enough with the situation to refrain from asking questions.

But even then, he couldn't be completely honest. He wasn't sure if it was Alec's paranoia catching up with him or if it was his own defensive mechanisms kicking into action, but he refused to answer most of the concerns Isabelle and Clary - or Maryse and Robert, for that matter - threw in his direction, even if there was some truth to them.

The first burst of magic had came in Clary's presence, during a hunt in some underground club that had been simple enough until it had turned out that half of the dancers were shapeshifting demons in disguise and one of them had crept behind Clary's back while she'd been too busy with her own fight. Jace had been too far away to warn her and he'd acted on instinct, raising his hand and blasting the demon off of her. Clary had barely paid any attention to the creature as it disappeared and had turned to Jace instead.

"Was that you?" She'd looked around as if she'd expected to see someone else - a Warlock, likely - but focused back on him when he nodded. "How-"

"I don't know." It had been easier to admit it; she was perceptive enough to notice that he was just as lost as she was. "I saw that demon and I just- It just happened."

He'd tried to summon the same power again and his eyes widened as the magic swirled in his palm, a flurry of icy blue that had made Clary step back.

He'd thought he'd be able to talk to her about it freely. After all, she had her rune magic and in his opinion, the ability to create new runes was just a bit more special than attack magic, but she hadn't agreed. She'd been _born_ with that power, she'd said, and he hadn't been able to do that before, had he?

They both knew the answer to that.

She had promised not to tell Isabelle about it - she would be even more worried, and that could become a problem. When Isabelle was worried, she resorted to her laboratory and the last thing Jace wanted was to become a guinea pig.

And, even if he didn't admit it, something he wanted even less was to discover what kind of results she would get from a research like that.

Clary's silence hadn't seemed to stop her from worrying, however. "I think Izzy's planning to call the Silent Brothers on us," he joked one night when he'd come to visit Alec. His parabatai's reaction was more intense than he'd thought it would be; he looked almost panicked.

"Why? What did she say?"

"Don't think too much about it," Jace tried to soothe him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I don't think she's _actually_ going to do it. She's just worried."

"About what? I'm fine."

"That's what I told her too, but I don't think she believes me. Or you," he added. "She told me I look like a ghost. I'm trying not to be offended."

"She's just worried," Alec repeated, but Jace could sense that his thoughts were far away from the bed they were in. "Magnus said something similar when I went to ask him about the magic."

"Have you talked about it again?" Jace asked, trying to keep his voice casual. His index finger was mapping distracted lines over Alec's chest, but he was listening intently, mind brushing against his parabatai's to find out the answer before he'd said it. If Alec felt it, he didn't seem to mind. He never did; they'd both realised recently that there wasn't anything they wanted to hide from one another.

"No, but I'm thinking of it. If this keeps up, we'll have to learn how to control it. If they're noticing, then everyone will at some point."

"Not necessarily," Jace objected. "They're our friends. They know what they're looking for, but everyone else... we're very careful. And we're not even sure if Magnus could help us. This is angelic magic, and his father is a demon."

"He's a fallen angel, actually, as far as I know."

Jace tried to suppress his exasperated sigh. He appreciated Alec’s attention to detail, but it tended to make conversations a bit difficult at times. "I think you're missing the point."

“And I think _you_ are.” Alec’s voice was gentle, but the words stuck in Jace’s mind. He’d tried to avoid the meaning behind Alec’s correction but it was thrust upon him anyway. _Angels fall_. It didn’t take much; just one wrong step, one misjudged decision and they could lose everything.

The topic was too distressing for Jace to dwell on – it was all he thought about on a daily basis, anyway – so he steered it in a different direction. “Even if he can’t help us, we can figure it out on our own,” he said, trying to sound more certain than he felt. “How hard can it be? We can handle anything.”

Alec didn’t seem too convinced, but he nodded. “Of course we can.” Neither of them acknowledged it, but their mutual resolve only strengthened. _I’d do anything for you_ , Alec added and this time, it felt like an oath.

**III.**

It took Jace getting hurt in a way he couldn't handle on his own for Isabelle to truly notice the damage she'd apparently suspected was taking place.

Alec had been busy with welcoming several of the newcomers to the Institute, but he'd still noticed - he'd sent a frantic message through their bond and Jace had reassured hm that the wound wasn't as serious as it felt on the other side, and he mentally patted himself on the back for being subtle enough about it for Isabelle not to notice.

As it turned out, that wasn't exactly the case. She'd torn and thrown to the side what was left of his shirt and was staring at his parabatai rune where it was burning red like it had in the night of their fight. It didn't hurt this time - either that or the pain from was drowned out in the pain coming from the demon claw stuck just under his ribcage - but apparently even the sight of it was enough to upset Isabelle.

"It's nothing," he hurried to say, but talking was proving to be a challenge. "It's happened before, it doesn't matter."

"Because that's very reassuring." Isabelle busied herself with the claw and the damage left behind and Jace had just been starting to believe that she would let it drop when she spoke again while applying a healing rune. "This isn't natural. I know you always say that you can't know what a parabatai bond is like without being in one, but I've read enough about it to know what I'm looking at and this is _bad_ , Jace. You have to find a way to fix it."

"There's nothing to fix." He felt naked, all of a sudden; as if just having someone look at the parabatai rune was too intimate for him to be comfortable. "I was hurt and he felt it, that's all."

"Is it? Look." Jace stared down at his wound and the iratze next to it and saw his skin stitch itself back together faster than he'd anticipated. His stomach turned and he turned his eyes away as he felt the burn from his parabatai rune become more insistent. He couldn't be sure if Alec was trying to help on the other end or if it was the bond itself patching him up, but neither theory made looking at his bloody stomach any more pleasant.

"We've both been healing faster for a while," he said, struggling to keep his voice even. He didn’t mention that they’d also been getting more than phantom pain from each other’s injures, but there was no point in worrying her even more. "It's useful."

"For a while," Isabelle echoed. Jace couldn't decipher her expression, but she didn't look too pleased. "How long has this been going on for?"

"A month or two. I don't know." He'd been losing track of time lately, Jace realised, but there was always so much to think about. "I thought you'd like that. It's making us more efficient."

"This isn't about how _efficient_ you are." Isabelle ran a hand through her hair, clearly frustrated by his lack of understanding. "Have you looked in the mirror lately? Either of you? I'd started to think I was imagining things, but Clary thinks so too. Even our mother is starting to notice and you know how rarely she comes home."

The unease Jace had felt towards the conversation until now only heightened until the pain from the already healing wound took second place in his attention. "Starting to notice what?"

"You're not looking well." It was as if a dam had broken somewhere inside Isabelle and everything she'd wanted to say for months had started to pour out and the words hit harder than Jace had expected them to. "I've tried to talk to Alec, but he wouldn't listen. Have you looked at him, _really_ looked at him, in the past month? He looks like he hasn't slept in a year. I know you both like to think that you're being so careful about not being noticed, but everyone suspects there's something going on. The only reason no one's asked about it until now is that Alec's the Head of this Institute and they're too scared to make implications he won't like."

 _No_. They'd done everything to cover their tracks; everything to keep as far away from each other as possible when they were in public. They barely even trained together anymore because they hadn't been sure they would manage to hide the change in their bond.

But then again, they didn't only avoid each other in public, Jace realised. They avoided _everyone_. When Alec wasn't on a mission, he was in his office and Jace tried to follow the same example. The outbursts of magic were too powerful to be hidden and too unpredictable to be completely avoided, so they didn't even bother trying. Closing themselves off was much easier and it suddenly occurred to Jace that even if people didn't suspect what the truth was, they could still probably tell that something was wrong.

"We've only done what we thought was best for everyone," Jace said, but even he could feel that the excuse was weak. Isabelle helped him to his feet, pocketing her stele and even if she avoided his eyes, he could still tell how upset she was.

"How far does that go? Have you thought about that? You probably remember John Carstairs. We went to his funeral a while back." _John_. She must have known him, Jace thought, but he nodded anyway. "A few days before that he told me he had to talk to Alec and that it was urgent. He wanted me to arrange it because I was his sister. I agreed but before I could do anything, he and Alec went out on a mission together. Whatever the problem was, I thought they'd solve it and what we got back was something so unrecognisable his father could barely identify it."

"I remember," Jace cut her off. "Everyone remembers, and no one's blaming Alec for it. It was a _mistake_."

"And how many more mistakes can either of you take, Jace?" She was looking at him again and this time her eyes were glistening enough for Jace to know that she was on the edge of tears. "Do you even know how far this goes; how many things he’s tried to hide even from you? He's not making sacrifices because he thinks it's what's best for everyone. He's doing what he thinks is best for _you_ and you're covering him up and cutting everyone else off because you think that's what's best for him and I don't know for how long you can keep doing that but I think I'll stop recognising either of you long before it's over."

She was afraid. Actually, properly afraid. It was an almost unfamiliar sign and it made something stir in Jace; something he'd done his best to bury.

"You won't." He wanted to promise it to her if that was what it took to comfort her, but he didn't have the heart to do it. If he turned out to be wrong, it would be a lie and he couldn't bear to lie to her of all people. "We'll fix this. I can help him and he can help me."

The fury in Isabelle's eyes had given way to acceptance and somehow, that hurt much more. "That's exactly what I'm worried about."

**IV.**

Jace made an effort after that. He followed her advice, trying to look for something out of the ordinary in both himself and Alec, hoping that he could see the change that was so obvious to everyone else. He couldn't; Alec looked just like he had yesterday, and the day before that and all the time in which Jace had known him and he felt the same almost painful pull to him that he'd noticed recently. They were in a mundane bar on the edge of the city - Alec had told him to meet him there and Jace kissed him as soon as he spotted him on a table near the corner of the room.

"Are you feeling better?" Alec asked when they parted, his fingers straying down to where the injury had been.

"It's healed completely," Jace nodded. He looked down to where Alec's own shirt was sticking to his skin. "Did you feel it too?"

"It's nothing," Alec waved him off. "Just a little blood.” He snapped his fingers and the drink Jace had wanted – even if he hadn’t mentioned it yet – appeared in his hand. He smiled; magic came naturally to them now and with gestures like that, it was easy to ignore the little tug on their bond he felt every time it happened. “What did Izzy say?" Jace had been fervently hoping that he wouldn't bring it up but now that he had, he knew that Alec was already going through the conversation. His expression darkened. "She shouldn't have said that. _Any_ of it."

"She means well," Jace said. He could feel Alec's anxiety through their bond and reached out with his mind to calm him down. _Nothing can make me change my mind about you. Not even this._

"Do you think she's told anyone? About Jonathan?" Alec's fingers were wound firmly around the glass in his hand, but Jace could still see them shaking.

"She wouldn't." His voice was sharper than he'd intended it to be and he had to make an effort to soften it. "Would she?"

Something passed through Alec's mind, too quick for Jace to catch but not quick enough for him not to notice that for a fleeting moment, he’d thought the same thing. “She loves us. She wouldn’t do anything to hurt us.” Alec’s grip tightened even more and Jace could see the conflict in his eyes. “Of course she wouldn’t, she’s my _sister_.”

Isabelle was wrong. As he watched Alec, feeling his thoughts race through both of their minds, Jace knew that with absolute certainty. He really did want to do what was best for everyone. It was just possible that he’d forgotten what that was a long time ago.

**o.O.o**

Later when they had gone back to the Institute, Jace lay with his head on his parabatai’s chest, listening to the erratic beating of his heart. Alec had left the bar first and had told him that maybe his sister was right and they had to try and see things from an outsider’s point of view and what better way to do that than taking some time away from each other? Jace had agreed even if he’d been sceptical, and he’d turned out to be right. His rune had started burning just half an hour later like a living, breathing thing under his skin and it had almost become too powerful to ignore by the time Alec had knocked on his door. He didn’t have to ask why he was there; he knew that he felt the same and that should have probably been the only sign they needed to know that it was better to stay separate, but neither of them had been able to resist.

_Do you think..._

“There’s no one else here, Jace.” Alec’s voice was soft but more burdened that Jace had ever heard it before. “I want to hear you speak.”

And just like that, nothing felt good enough for him to say. _What do you want to hear?_

“I don’t care.” Alec sighed and Jace felt his parabatai’s fingers in his hair, carding through it absently. “Just- something good. Something that makes you happy.”

“You make me happy,” Jace answered immediately, but there was no reaction. “Whatever you’re thinking about, don’t. Even if Izzy’s right, we can work it out. We weren’t given all of those abilities for nothing.”

Even if he couldn’t see Alec’s face, Jace could feel the smile this got out of him. It felt like a little achievement. “Don’t worry about it. We can figure something out tomorrow.”

Satisfied, Jace relaxed further into his embrace and felt Alec’s hand trace the lines of the sleeping rune over his shoulder, magic sparking at his fingers. Before he’d had the chance to ask since when they could do that too, he was already asleep.

**V.**

Jace woke up alone the next morning. There was nothing unusual in that; Alec’s duties usually drew him out of bed before sunrise. The complete silence on the other end of their bond was a little more troubling, but Jace didn’t let it bother him too much.

He only made one attempt at a conversation, hours later while looking through the newly arrived weapons in the armoury. _You won’t believe what I’ve just found_ , he said and was met with the same strange resistance he’d noticed in the morning. Fine. If Alec thought that this would help, so be it. It was still irritating not to know where he was and that, Jace supposed, proved his point perfectly, but that didn’t make him feel any better.

Between one second and the next, everything changed.

Jace’s mind was flooded with images so quickly that he couldn’t take them all in. His attention was torn between the fact that he was seeing the world through Alec’s eyes and that he was looking up at the surrounding buildings from his position on the ground and the sudden searing pain against his ribcage. Alec hadn’t let him in; he was just too exhausted to keep him out and Jace frantically searched through his mind for the street he was on.

It was close. Close enough for Jace to run until he saw the demon blood splattered in the deserted, mostly glamoured area behind the Institute; close enough for him to see Alec almost instantly as he leant on one hand against the nearest building.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He could see Alec’s point now; there was nothing quite like talking out loud. “If you were going out, why didn’t you _tell_ me? I could have come with you. I don’t care what it would have looked like!” He brushed his parabatai’s half finished thought aside as he reached out to hold him up, his free hand already going through his pockets for his stele. He was shaking, he realised; both from Alec’s pain and the mirroring wound that had started blossoming on his chest. Alec shook his head. “Don’t give me that. You’ll be fine.” He ran through the night’s events in his head, letting Alec’s memories replace any other thought.

_I didn’t know there would be so many._

“Yes, you did,” Jace snapped, finally managing to steady his hand enough to grip the stele in it. “You did, and you didn’t _care_.”

“There’s too much blood. Jace, look at me.” Alec’s tone was almost pleading. “There’s too much blood. I can’t- there’s going to be more of it if we don’t end it.”

“We’re going to stop the bleeding,” Jace insisted, choking on his voice. _That’s not what you mean. I know._ “It’s going to be fine.”

“Last night. I thought about everything and,” Alec took a shuddering breath. “I would do anything for you. _Anything_. Do you understand that?”

“Yes.” _I would, too. You can’t even imagine it._

 “I can,” Alec countered. “I don’t _want_ to, but I would. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself then. And neither would you, you _know_ that. I thought- I thought maybe I could go out, clear my head, but-”

“Quiet now.” Every breath Alec took felt like a dagger going through his chest again and again and it hurt that little bit more every time. _There’s too much blood._ In any sense of the world, Jace thought; even their magic couldn’t help with this. He'd seen the confusion in Alec’s eyes the night before when they’d talked about Isabelle and he wondered if he’d known what would happen; if he’d decided that his own mind was just one more thing to fix, one way or another.

“Give me your stele.” Alec’s voice sounded stronger now as he lifted his hand. “I can still heal you.”

“I don’t think you can.” Jace’s fingers tightened around his stele and he stuffed it back in his pocket. “I don’t think I want you to,” he added when Alec made to protest and his parabatai’s face fell with the realisation.

“Jace.” It was all he said.

He pressed their foreheads together and Jace felt their bond pull them closer together. It hurt now and unlike any other time, he couldn’t ignore it. It was more painful than any punishment he’d ever endured and he relished in it.

_I didn’t want it to go this far. I’m sorry. I didn’t know._

“Neither of us did,” Jace whispered. _No one ever told us._ He let one of his hands caress Alec’s cheek as he pressed him even closer, feeling the warmth of Alec’s blood against his own chest. “It doesn’t matter. I would do it again.”

Alec smiled and suddenly Jace knew what looking through glamour for the first time felt like. They’d both been happy, but there had been an undercurrent of something else for months now and now Alec was smiling at him the way he had when Jace had kissed him for the first time; light and gentle and brand new.

Jace sank to his knees when he felt that Alec’s legs couldn’t hold him any longer and held him close. “I love you,” he whispered, leaning down for a kiss on his forehead. Alec’s only response was a quick press of his lips against Jace’s. For an instant, Jace felt their bond flare up, engulfing them both in a blaze of power unlike anything he had experienced before. Then there was nothing.


End file.
